majesticaljeff:

rednecktex:

huffy-lemon:

Favorite story posts part 1

That last one

My dad says the ‘making love in a canoe’ about american beer

(via keepyourswordskyward15)

mishakoalins:

A default ring tone is heard. 100 moms look at their purses.

(via whale-wash)

klartie:

dad NO

(via ibock)

2srooky:

One time in sixth grade I was being bullied really badly, and this whole circle of people gathered around me and the girl that was bullying me, and she smirked and went ‘You dumb rich bitch.’ And everyone was like OOOOOOH and I stood there for a second before pulling 20 dollars out of my wallet, placed it in her hand, and said “Buy some better insults.” And I swear the entire lunchroom rioted.

(via whale-wash)

akafoxxcub:

the best is when you’re reminded that “nothing” is elizabethan slang for female genitals, so shakespeare literally titled his play

much ado about pussy

(via eclecticbibliophile)

Friend: "So how's your daughter doing?"
Dad: "Great! She's in college now, and she's doing really well. We're really proud of her."
Friend: "What's she studying?"
Dad: "Political Science."
Friend: "And does she have a boyfriend?"
Dad: "Actually, she came out as gay several years ago."
Friend: "You know that's... UNNATURAL... right??"
Dad: "No, I don't think so, actually. My daughter's sexual orientation is a biological reality. It makes biological sense to me. You know what doesn't make biological sense? Her damned cat walks on a leash. A LEASH. Just trots along on a leash like a damned dog. It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. THAT is what's unnatural."
Best dad ever

thescienceofjohnlock:

i-am-a-mushroom:

i-am-a-mushroom:

i-am-a-mushroom:

i-am-a-mushroom:

My shrimp is so weird like when I touch it, it changes colors and kinda spasms sometimes idk

like it was kinda pinkish and then it turned red and now its yellow

and it has a stripe that wasn’t there before

its weird

image

clarification

MY PET SHRIMP

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further clarafication

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SHRIMP

IN

A

FISH TANK

image

Some people just have dick on the brain.

(via keepyourswordskyward15)

iwantmybabybumpnow:

piertotum-locomottor:

brigwife:

iampunkassbetch:

This is so fucking cute

this is how you family

this is how you family

THIS IS THE MOST CUTEST THING EVER I CAN’T

(Source: daddyslittleprop, via katescastles)

fadeintocase:

kenteehee:

♡ the person you would take a bullet for is behind the trigger ♡

why are you putting fall out boy lyrics on a gif about wrapping paper.

(Source: lizzonator, via ibock)

padnote:

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he was very distraught about losing his gold hoard of 1 coin

(via ibock)

werewof:

me owning the kangaroos at the zoo

werewof:

me owning the kangaroos at the zoo

(via ibock)

heygraham:

New autobiography title: 

It’s Almost 4:30 in the the Morning But I Can’t Sleep Because I Keep Thinking About How Cool it Would be to be an Avenger

shes-universal:

*ride operator voice* please keep your lols omgs and your “I tried to scroll past this”s inside the tags at all times ladies and gents

(via flacidpizza)

awidesetvagina:

this is still the best story ever told at a talk show

(via keepyourswordskyward15)